she is the sun and the flowers: remembering susan

Two years ago today, my beautiful friend Susan died.

My husband is away for work this week, so it was just my girls and me this morning. They knew today was the anniversary — we call it a "thannoversary" — so we started the day by sharing our favourite memories of her.

We talked about how much fun she was. I told them how much she loved them, especially as babies. We called her the baby whisperer. She would walk through the door, whisk my youngest into her arms, and they would both just settle.

Then I shared one of my favourite memories.

When I was pregnant with my second, I was nervous in a way that embarrasses me now. My oldest was everything to me — off the charts smart, speaking in full sentences while still in diapers, with an emotional intelligence that felt beyond her years. I couldn't imagine loving another child the same way.

As I was telling the story this morning, I watched my youngest's face fall. I was quick to explain — I was scared. I didn't yet understand what it meant to bring another baby into the world.

It was Susan who shook me out of it. She saw through the fear immediately and she did not entertain it for a second. She told me I wouldn't love my two children the same — because they were two different people. And she was right. I watched the smile return to my youngest's face.

From the moment she arrived, my youngest has been a ray of sunshine. She brings so much joy to our lives.

The last time I saw Susan, my husband and I had gone over to help her with some end-of-life planning — with her partner and her mom. Once the hard stuff was done, we had dinner together, and I told that story. When I got to the part about Susan giving me a stern talking-to, she jumped in: "Yeah, it was awful!" We all laughed. We were marveling at how we couldn't imagine a world without our youngest daughter in it.

Now I live in a world without Susan.

I miss her fiercely. So much of who I am, so much of where I am, is because of her.

I carry her with me every single day. She is the sun and the flowers. 🌸