the social battery is real: why the networking hustle isn't sustainable

 This past weekend, I participated in Ottawa's first Legacy Expo. It brought together a wide variety of people across the legacy continuum, including hospice providers, grief educators, producers, funeral homes, senior supports, end-of-life planners, celebrants, Death Doulas, and much more. Not only did we, as service providers, get an opportunity to come together, meet each other, and share how we could better work together to serve the Ottawa community—we also met with the public to learn about their needs and hear their stories.

Every part of the event was beautifully planned and executed. Heather Kirk and Chelsea Hoagland, the event organizers, did an excellent job convening people in a meaningful way. Each session had purpose and intention. People understood why they were there and what they were expected to do at each stage.

This was my kind of event—and it got me thinking about why.

The Problem with Gathering by Default

We spend countless hours gathering. Whether at work in meetings, workshops, training sessions, or conferences, or in our personal lives at parties, classes, and social or charitable events—the hours add up. With all this gathering, it becomes obvious when it's done well and when it's not. Sometimes it's hard to pinpoint what went wrong with an event or why two hours just felt like five. Other times, the problems are more obvious.

Often the reason is surprisingly simple: it's because it's what we've always done.

"When we don't examine the deeper assumptions behind why we gather, we end up skipping too quickly to replicating old, staid formats of gathering," says gathering expert Priya Parker. A few years ago, one of my best friends, Lindsey Thomsen, recommended Parker's book The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters to me. It instantly became one of my favorites and a book I return to often.

Parker's insights on examining not only why we meet but also how to create intentional, purpose-driven gatherings have shaped my thinking about opportunities to connect. They've caused me to think differently about both the events I plan and the gatherings I attend.

The Reality of Limited Social Energy

Living with mental illness has taught me that connection, while essential, comes with a cost. Research shows that our "social battery" (the energy we have for social interaction) varies significantly from person to person and can be particularly depleted for those managing mental health challenges.

What many don't realize is that 42% of working mothers experience depression and/or anxiety, compared to 28% of the general population, according to a 2022 US poll. This stark difference highlights how the intersection of motherhood, work, and social expectations creates unique pressures.

As a mother of two young children, I've learned that my energy is finite. The demanding work of parenting, combined with professional responsibilities and managing my mental health, means I need to be strategic about where I invest my social energy. This isn't about being antisocial or avoiding connection, it's about being intentional with the connections I make so I can show up authentically.

The pressure in professional circles to attend everything—every networking event, coffee meetup, charitable event, lecture—can be overwhelming. Sometimes I convince myself that visibility equals success and that being everywhere all the time is necessary for career advancement. But this approach just isn't sustainable, particularly for someone like me who is managing mental health alongside family responsibilities.

Playing to My Strengths

I am slowly discovering that I don't thrive in large, open networking events where I only know few people. The energy required to navigate those spaces, making small talk with strangers, and presenting a professional version of myself while internally managing my anxiety is exhausting. Instead, I've learned to play to my strengths: gatherings where I can engage in meaningful conversations in smaller groups or with people one-on-one about shared interests or challenges.

In a past post, I talk about research that confirms that positive interactions, social support, and social connectedness are consistently related to lower levels of depression and anxiety. This validates what I've learned through experience: quality matters more than quantity when it comes to professional and personal connections.

The Legacy Expo worked for me because it had structure and purpose. I understood why I was there, what was expected of me, and could prepare mentally for the type of interactions I'd have. When events are thoughtfully designed with clear intentions, they create space for authentic connection rather than performative networking.

A New Approach to Professional Connection

In an industry where there's always another event and another opportunity to "network," I've had to redefine what meaningful professional connection looks like for me. Instead of trying to meet as many people as possible, I focus on building deeper relationships with fewer people. This approach allows me to invest my limited social energy in connections that feel genuine and mutually beneficial.

Being selective isn't just a preference—it's often a necessity for self-preservation. The challenge is overcoming the guilt and FOMO (fear of missing out) I feel with saying no to certain opportunities. In those moments, I need to remember Priya Parker's words: "In a world of infinite choices, choosing one thing is the revolutionary act." I also can remember all the times in my Government career when I was not selective. I've been down that road before: having few boundaries and saying yes to more than I should. I know the outcome.

Showing up authentically to fewer events allows me to contribute meaningfully and is proving more valuable than spreading myself thin across multiple interactions where I can't be myself. This approach also allows me to model a different way of building professional relationships that prioritizes authenticity and mutual support over traditional networking tactics. In doing so, I've found that the connections I make are more meaningful, more supportive, and ultimately more sustainable for both my career and my well-being.

The Takeaway

The Legacy Expo reminded me that when we gather with intention and purpose, we create space for authentic connection. For those of us managing mental health challenges, family responsibilities, or simply finite social energy, the solution isn't to avoid professional connection altogether, it's to be more strategic about how and where we invest that energy. Quality connections built through thoughtful, purpose-driven gatherings will always outperform quantity-focused networking that leaves us drained and disconnected from our authentic selves.